so tired of being an unintentional cupid

ok...i realized..i spend a lot of time making blog posts about politics, current events, and weird anomalies of nature...i spend time posting hot dance tracks and freaky videos but i think it's time to start posting more about how i feel personally and here it goes....


'i'm so sick and fucking tired of playing the unintentional cupid"
there i said it...

time and time again, i, for some scientifically unexplained reason, am always the damned catalyst for other people finding love and i'm always left befuddled and alone. i have this magic penchant for connecting two people that have never met before and then they go off and have a sordid love affair or become soul fucking mates...or at least they date for a year or so. unfortunately, it seems that this is my calling in life and the only way i can possibly do this according to the rules is stay single and alone for the rest of my life. i know...cue violins...but seriously...it has happened so many times i can't even count anymore! and yes...you guessed it...it happened again.

just the other night i went to a show with a new friend that i definitely had a little fancy for but was using the night to get to know him to see if i wanted to pursue him for more than a friendship. i did my best to not have any expectations and i think i was kind of successful and the most exciting part of it all is that it may have been the start of a new and exciting friendship. alas, as the night progressed i was feeling those special sparks and since it has been so, so long since anyone affected me in that way i wasn't sure how to go about letting that person know. yes...i was out of practice you could say. i also was faced with the conflict of possibly ruining the possible new friendship by throwing in the dilemma of me saying that i was interested and then them not be interested and that pushing him away as a possible friend. since i have little to no major former relationships to fall back on or if i do start dating someone it always lasts a few weeks, i tend to want to feel the other person out and see if they are interested first so i know whether it would be worthwhile to progress onward with my testimony. again i was trying not to throw a stick into the spokes and look for hints or figure out any kind of signs...i just wanted to have a relaxing fun time getting to know the guy. i felt like we hit it off pretty famously. we are both djs and we both have similar taste in music. it's actually how we met. i was djing and he came to find out who the dj was because he was enjoying the music so much. i was certainly attracted to him but because of my towering self esteem (sarcasm of course) i always guess that the other person must fall for me because of my wit and sense of humour and startling intellect and humbleness (haha) because i guess in my head my looks are for getting simply laid not a boyfriend. although it sounds ridiculous...i don't necessarily think it is. sex is so easy to get in nyc if you know where to go and how to play the game, but meeting someone you can have sex with and talk for hours on the phone, share a good film, dinner, art installation, song and most of all silence with is the hardest thing to come across. that's the way it seems for me at least. i've grown into a 'type'...shaved head, goatee, hairy and stocky...it's all the rage in nyc to be a chubby, manly bear so i'm definitely not on a lot of people's short list but behind this bear is a lot more.
i'm going off on a soap box tangent....sorry
so after we see a show we go to my favourite bar to wait for his friend to meet us and then go a couple blocks east to go hear a friend of mine spin at one of the newest bars in the east village. i introduce him to my friends and he stays for one more drink and then leaves. i'm on a lovely high, having just spent a wonderful night with someone i'm just getting to know and wondering the rest of the night whether he's thinking of me in that special way or not...my favourite kind of torture. my biggest mistake was not peeing on him to mark my territory or at least (haha) letting any and all of my single friends that i was interested in him because i find out two days later that somehow one of my friends exchanged numbers with him without me knowing and they end up spending the next two nights together hanging out and basically falling in some form of "intense"ness.
naturally, anger and jealousy pump through my veins and i'm completely furious at another one of my unintentional stupid cupid moments. should i have been more upfront with the guy i hung out with? should i have run ahead and warned everyone that i was going to meet up with that the guy i'm with is someone that i'm interested in when i was still in the midst of sharing the night with him? should i have grabbed him and kissed him before he left? should i have expected my 'friend' to pull me aside or text me the next day and ask me whether i was on a date with the guy or at least interested? i don't know. all i know is that another one got away possibly because they weren't interested in me anyway, i hesitated too much or simply thought too much of my friends...i don't know. all that remains is my frustrating questions that will probably never be answered. i'm trying to make peace with the situation but the most annoying thing about it is i haven't heard from the new friend since saturday night when the past two days and nights were filled with a back and forth text assault that got me excited about this possible journey in the first place. and initially, he is the one who gave me his number first on myspace. i know, as usual, i'm making a huge ordeal out of this entire situation but honestly, i haven't felt that giddy in a long time about someone i just met and before i could even find out whether something might have happened...the opportunity gets ripped out from under me like a sloppy magician..leaving all my glasses and dishes broken on the linoleum (how's that for a metaphor haha). as you can see i can do nothing but keep my sense of humour alive in the situation because this ain't my first time at the rodeo. i'm trying my best to not be bitter but that's the only flavour in my mouth at the time....i guess i could try a little harder.
i'm just so completely over somehow getting left out of the magic...i'm sick of it...i'm tired of it...it's making my blood boil as we speak...that's why i had to write this here...to excorcise it out of me even just a little bit. when is it proverbially my turn?

ok back to your regularly programmed show...