there was a time...the time is now

there was a time when i would wear polyester plaid pants and not think twice about it. there was a time when i would randomly paint my nails black and even one time i painted them electric blue and although i slightly winced if someone saw them, it was nowhere near the tremor in my gut i get when the shirt i decide to wear nowadays has a slogan on it that might be offensive to one of the thousand people i may cross paths with while i'm wearing it. there was a time when i was so much more confident in my convictions...there was a time i lived my life with sensible caution decorated with a somewhat fearlessness and abandon. there was a time when i would go on a rollercoaster without my friends begging me and teasing me to do it. there was a time i used to really live my life. that life is so far behind me for some strange reason and my job right now is to find out why so i can pierce the beast and paint over my yellow.

now i've never been a frat boy thrillseeker who gets a rush from being in a car that is driving too fast, nor have i gotten sheer joy of the thought of bungee jumping or jumping out of a plane. i was never that rough and tough kid and i kind of figured i would never be that adult either. i instead found much excitement and passion in the adventures i would embark on within my mind. i would create whole new worlds and ideas and i would often find myself devoured in the possibilites of my self inflicted fantasy world. but there was a time i had a total of ten body piercings and only five of them were in my earlobes. i still have my nipple ring intact...all that remains of my days of metallic adornment. now i knew that i wouldn't have them forever but i really imagined that the wild things that i did would be overshadowed by the even wilder things i would do in the future. i thought i would have travelled extensively, but alas i have never left the country. i thought i would have starred in a variety of plays and musicals in new york city, yet my only appearance on a manhattan stage was about thirteen years ago and it was prophetically the role of a pissed off actor who got a shitty role as a sheep. i also thought i would have finished college and would be a teacher by now, yet the only teachers in my family are my two older brothers. i thought i would have had a history of lovers that lasted too long, yet my longest relationship has been the better part of three or four months. i have recently been reconnected with a lot of people from my past, people i went to high school with and people i went to college with, people i have shared my passions with and people i have shared my heart with also. without them knowing, they have obviously sparked this desperate search inward to pull out the person i once was so they can beat down the person i have become. but instead of thinking and worrying about what i would tell them of my accomplishments since we last spoke and being fearful to find my stories pale in comparison to theirs, i have to do this for myself and my legacy to be legendary. one of my biggest flaws has always been the poison of being obsessed with what others think of me. since i have spent so much time with that caustic concern, i have spent little time making myself into the person i would be proud to discuss.

there have been many more disappointments in my life...some that i have forgotten and some that i don't care to mention, but i'm not writing this to make a tally to reread and sulk about while doing so. i have also had quite the myriad accomplishment from time to time and am left wondering why the negative always outweighs the positive. i was a good kid and honestly never really got into any sort of trouble except for maybe pushing the envelope creatively in high school and almost getting a story i wanted published in the creative writing newsletter censored or dropping out of college after a few semesters to work at a deadend job that i had mastered years earlier. i have always been respectful to my elders and have always tried my best to help out a friend and even a stranger. good will and charity have always been a part of my existence and i am sure they will be forever. what leaves me in disarray is my complete lack of confidence, my immature way of handling important situations and my talent for procrastination. i am constantly questioning my talents and accolades despite the awards and acknowledgement i may recieve. i hold in my frustrations and anger in daily relationships and employment situations and let them fester until they transform into a cancer of self destructiveness and a grovelling for sympathy. i hold off on calling the person who can help me, the person who can hire me, the person who just might love me for who i am and not who i think they think that i am until the opportunity hurries by to the next persistent and willing recipient. i constantly wait for my shitty situations to become so dire that i am left wallowing in self pity and emotional and monetary poverty before i try to do anything to relieve myself of these common burdens that the common person struggles with and overcomes on a daily basis. instead of fighting or pursuing what i deserve i sit and wait to be the last person offered the job because i claim i don't want to come across as cocky or arrogant. such pathetic excuses...why have i learned them all? after all i have been through in my life and all the true manmade miracles and authentic determination and passion i have witnessed, why do i still think i will somehow acquire those magical powers i wanted when i was young and will suddenly have my wish granted. am i stuck in an obsolete fairytale that i forgot to keep writing? have i lost the hunger and passion that i once reveled in and have i settled for simple wonderings and what ifs? why am i so lazy? i obviously still have the hunger and passion because i wouldn't be writing this in the first place. i obviously still have the tools and craftsmanship to be a success and change my path in life. why do i fool myself into thinking that it is more comfortable in my dream world when i am constantly haunted in my sleep instead of being surrounded by lollipops and unicorns? it has to break and i'm the only one who can make it happen. if i'm so good at creating a fantasy world then i must create another world for others to get lost in and publish a goddamn novel like i wanted to do a hundred years ago. if i'm so good at so many things...why would i rather stay in this pile of shit and regret?

i'm well aware of how personal this all is and probably should have remained locked within the pages of a secret journal but i feel that writing it on my blog is especially cathartic and i feel it will help me take ownership of my responsibilities. if you name the demon you will find it easier to banish it. if you put it out there for all the world (or all of you that read my blog) to see then you relieve yourself of the shame and the fear. if you hide your symptoms from your doctor then he have a harder time helping to cure your disease. so i'm calling myself out on my own bullshit and although i've said it before a million times, i am as fed up as i can be with the monstrously vast chasm between who i am today and who i want to be and instead of turning my head as my bridges proverbially burn, i am going to use what i know to build a few. and if i don't know how to do something, there is nothing wrong with asking for help if i can't find the solution on my own. unfortunately, asking for help before i try it out myself is a crime i'm too comfortable with committing.

the time is now to put down my flogger...and hold my sceptor up high.

thanks for listening...